My Fake Christmas

‘I will of course wake up looking like Angelina Jolie/Rose Huntington-Whiteley on Christmas morning in Olivia Von Halle pyjamas…’

I hate Christmas.

Only because I am a victim of divorced parents and I still feel extremely sorry for myself. Get the violins out!

BUT, when I have a nice fancy house of my own, made/bribed/bought lots of friends and even maybe have a family one day, then I want my Christmas’ to look like this…let me walk you through my fake Christmas…

It will have snowed overnight and I will wake up in my old country house surrounded by acres of land… also belonging to me. For my horse, Alan. I just think animals with ‘human names’ is the funniest most brilliant thing. I can’t wait to shout across the park to my dog ‘Steve, you better not have done a shit over there!’ Lols.

Anyhoo… So. yes. obviously I will make my own wreath for the front door at a local workshop for bored ladies of leisure. But, you know, failing that (because I am super busy being a famous blogger), Cox & Cox have a gorgeous one which I’m sure I could just take the credit for

Left: Cox & Cox, £130 | Right: The White Company, £50

I will of course wake up looking like Angelina Jolie/Rose Huntington-Whiteley on Christmas morning in Olivia Von Halle pyjamas…

Left: Liberty, £295 | Middle: Fleur du Mal, $570 | Right: Equipment, $388
The White Company; pyjamas, £82; socks, £36

Once I have a glass of bubbles, and before I attack my stocking (with the sharp kitchen knife under my pillow. JOKE…I keep it in the bedside drawer), I will open the last box in my posh advent calendar.

£250 Harrods
Harrods, £250

Actually, that is such a lie. Who does anything before opening their stocking presents?! No one. It’s not a thing.

I don’t care how old I am, or whether or not I have children, Father Christmas better get me a bloody stocking or I am cancelling Christmas.

For me, the stocking presents are just as, if not more important than the main presents because, even though they are little, they have to be really thoughtful and perfect for everyday.

If I were to do my own stocking…

I could probably think of a few more, and would definitely throw in a couple of satsumas, nuts and chocolate coins, but all in all I think its a pretty good stocking! Well done Santa.

I think its nice to dress up and feel festively glamorous for Christmas Day. If I were that slim, I would definitely be investing in this jumper-tulle combo from Anthropologie.

Anthropologie, £128 (skirt)

I don’t want it to be too perfect or matchy-matchy. I just want to buy one of every decoration I love, no expense spared. You would think that Liberty would win this hands down, and don’t get me wrong they did have a few. But, the tree decoration winners for me by a mile this year are Cox & Cox and Anthropologie.

Cox & Cox, £5.50 – £25
Anthropologie, £10 – £30

I find cooking very stressful
, I can follow a recipe and 9 times out of 10 it will taste great, but I just don’t enjoy it. AND it costs a bloody fortune! First you buy the best looking recipe book on the shelf, to then realise that as well as the main ingredients, you also need 10 herbs/spices. Which I obviously have to buy organic and from the most expensive supermarket – if I am going to do it, I am doing it properly.

Anyway, what i am trying to get at is that I will be having my Christmas lunch at a 5* hotel.

My go-to would be Lime Wood, but I have just checked out the new hotel that opened in Surrey this year and have decided that actually, not only will I be eating there but I will now be staying at Beaverbrook for the duration of Christmas. 

Just look at this for a package…

Screen Shot 2017-11-20 at 03.37.33.png

Prices start at £1078, which I know is megabucks but it will be so worth it. Re-mortgage the house, or sell your car or a child if you have to.

As you have probably gathered, I’m not a materialistic person and spending quality time with my friends and family would be the perfect gift for me.

However, if you are insisting on getting something, then I suppose I could do with a Land Rover and a skiing holiday, if you wouldn’t mind. Cheers.

So, that’s my fake Christmas this year.

My real one will be nothing like that. I will probably be sat at home by myself, drinking wine and crying into a family sized Christmas pudding. I don’t even like Christmas pudding. That isn’t why I will be crying…maybe a tiny bit.

If you have been affected by any of the content in this blog, please find a link below to my Just Giving page. All donations towards My Fake Christmas will be gratefully received. And I will obviously post the pictures on Instagram of the difference your generosity made, once I have got back from Beaverbrook.

In my dreams. FML.

Bye for now,
J x


P.S. The blog image is from, pretty ain’t it.

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